There Might Be a God After All...

A little something from notalwaysright.com

(By the way, Me is not actually me. Although I'd have given just about anything for this to happen to me.)

Me: “Can I help you, ma’am?”

Customer: “Yes. What are these?”

Me: “That is a fortune cookie, ma’am.”

Customer: “It doesn’t look like a cookie. Where are the chocolate chips?”

Me: “Ma’am, these are a different kind of cookie. You open them up and they tell your fortune on a piece of paper.”

Customer: “What kind of cookies have paper in them!?”
Me: “Fortune cookies, ma’am.”

Customer: “This is an outrage! Cookies are meant to be eaten, and paper isn’t EATABLE!”

Me: “Please, ma’am, the paper is–”

Customer: “Shut up! I’m leaving.”

(The customer begins to storm out but in her anger misses the door and walks right into the wall. When she finally stumbles out, I open up the fortune cookie and read its message: “Do not worry. You will get what is coming to you in life.”)

Thank you, Jeebus. I always knew you somehow cared...

The Truth Hurts But It Also Tastes Generically Good and Is Dirt Cheap.

One of my favorite things in this world is a trip to Taco Bell. I know what they serve has more to do with Civil War reenactments than it does Mexican food and I'm also aware that what Taco Bell serves is also likely spiced feces under the guise of Mexican food. Not to mention that the contents of their menu is an affront to all that Mexican people hold dear. But I enjoy it all the same.

I've snuck Taco Bell into the movies and I've ditched classes on occasion for those delightful double-decker tacos. Taco Bell is the culinary equivalent of the movie XXX for me--probably a little bit more than a guilty pleasure for me but both are cheap thrills that leave me with hollow regret once I'm done. Oh, and gas.

The following are two Onion podcasts which I'm sure are intended to poke fun at Taco Bell but with anything else The Onion puts out, has more than just a nugget of truth to it. And honestly, these just kind of makes me want Taco Bell when I watch them. Maybe not with a strap on bag, but still...

New Wearable Feedbags Let Americans Eat More, Move Less




Taco Bell's New Green Menu Takes No Ingredients From Nature

Too Little, Too Late (My Top Ten Movies of 2008)

One of my first posts after I started this blog several months ago was my top albums of 2008. (My own) top whatever lists tend to annoy me (I enjoy those of others) because my perceptions change frequently and when I go back and meditate more upon them I tend to tweak the lists mentally while fighting the urge to go back and make amendments to them. Or I just later generally disagree with them and wonder what the hell I was thinking.

The top ten albums list was kind of easy for me to do because I work in a record store and music is a bit more available to me. Besides, its a lot easier to take in or absorb an album than it is a 2 hour movie. Also, I pretty much had my top albums picked out as I wrote that list up. With my top ten movies for 2008 I'd only seen 8 of the 10 by years end and had to think on it a bit more.

With this list I'll admit that most of the movies on it aren't exactly timeless classics. Hell, I only see maybe 3 or 4 of them standing the supposed test of time. But then again, 2008 didn't offer a hell of a lot in the arena of movies. The more I look at this list, the more I see some thrown-together, last minute-produced obligatory document on my part about the cultural offerings of a lackluster year. But still, it could be worse--we could be talking about 2009.

10) Pineapple Express

Well before this stoner action comedy came out I was fighting off a fierce case of Seth Rogen fatigue. In a stoke of genius he played the generally straight (well, as straight as a dope smoking summons server can be) character and the generally pretty boy James Franco went against type as Rogen's pot dealer in what will be a famous case of casting irony. (Okay, it was their collective idea to switch roles, but still...) Pineapple Express was hysterical and was generally lacking in dull and/or weak moments. Admittedly, this movie wasn't a cinematic masterpiece. It had a lot of funny moments and allowed me to unplug for a couple hours. And it had the line, "She is really proud of me, and I'm gonna become something, man! As soon as she dies, I'm gonna become a civil engineer. I'm gonna design septic tanks for playgrounds. Little kids can take shits! You idiot, what the hell do you do?"

9) In Bruges

Granted, In Bruges looked like some half-assed attempt at a Guy Ritchie movie with two hitmen hiding out in Belgium at the behest of their dickish boss. But while that element of the story was indeed entertaining with Ralph Fiennes stealing the show, there were so many other things going on. Like attempted suicides and little kids dying. In Bruges is a near perfect blend of black comedy and drama that keeps going to darker and darker places while Colin Farrell and Brendan Gleeson give great performances.

8) Iron Man

Admittedly, I'm really starting to burn out on comic book movies. But seeing the classically smart-assed Robert Downey, Jr. play Tony Stark was enough to get my ass in the seat. On opening weekend, no less. Jon Favreau stuck to the Iron Man legend pretty well while still managing to base the story in some level of reality and Downey's performance killed. The action was great and I didn't even mind Gwyneth Paltrow even if Jeff Bridges will forever be The Dude to me and I had some trouble buying his performance. The Avengers setup after the credits left me wanting more and overall Iron Man was much better than I expected it to be. Not quite Spider-Man but it beat the living hell out of Daredevil.

7) The Incredible Hulk

I'm one of about 3 dozen confirmed people on the planet who didn't mind and dare I say liked Ang Lee's 2003 version, simply titled Hulk. It was an incredibly beautiful and lyrical film, but unfortunately too cerebral for its own good. The last 20 minutes didn't help, either. When I heard that a follow up that was neither reboot nor sequel was being done by the director of Transporter 2 I kind of cringed. But Edward Norton as Bruce Banner more than made up for it. Combining all kinds of comic book elements and skillfully starting the story without having to set it up for the better part of an hour (they managed to do it all in the opening credits), The Incredible Hulk managed to get right into it. The acting was great (even from Liv Tyler!) and the action better. And best of all, The Incredible Hulk ended the way that Hulk should've ended--with a big, nasty fight between two monsters in a heavily-populated area. The second Avengers setup at the end doesn't hurt either.

6) Synechdote, New York

If you want to get the gist of the brilliant Charlie Kaufman's directorial debut Synechdote, New York there's very little you need to do. Just imagine David Lynch, today, going in a time machine and visiting Woody Allen in the mid to late 1970s. After a heartfelt plea, the threat of violence or a damn fine argument, Lynch convinces Allen to come back to the year 2008 to make a movie with him. And Synechdote, New York is what you'd likely end up with. Synechdote mixes Kaufman's signature oddball randomness (the movie takes place over nearly 2 decades in which a stage director makes a full-scale set of New York) with some of the most heartbreaking storytelling I've ever witnessed. There are parts of this movie that make the end of Old Yeller look like an episode of Yo Gabba Gabba. The death bed scene being a prime example where extreme sadness is laced with some of the funniest shit I've ever heard. In German subtitles, no less! You'll probably feel like you're losing your mind by the end of the two hours but its not a bad place to be...

5) Step Brothers

Will Farrell to me is two things. He's first a black-belt comic genius but he's also as inconsistent as an alcoholic father of the year. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgandy was hysterical, Bewitched was a complete and total mistake. Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby was hilarious, Kicking and Screaming demanded a public apology on Farrell's part. I know I'm generalizing here and I'm also aware that Farrell's got a bit more to his credit, but to make my point I bring up Anchorman and Talladega Nights because they were directed by Adam McKay who also directed Step Brothers. See a pattern forming here? A Farrell/McKay collaboration has yet to fail and Step Brothers kept up that fine tradition but throwing John C. Reilly into the mix makes anything they're involved with infallable. Step Brothers is the story of 2 fortysomething... losers whose single parents marriage jump starts a priceless competition between the two. The sleepwalking scenes, the fancy sauce, the job interviews and pretty much everything else in this movie is comic gold.

4) Quantum of Solace

2006's James Bond reboot (hate the term but its very appropriate) Casino Royale was (and still is) easily my favorite Bond movie ever. It cut out the gadgets, the campiness and all the overall nonsense of pretty much every Bond movie before and got down to brass tacks. (Granted, all of that stuff was and still is to an extent entertaining but that new blood transfusion that Casino Royale gave felt so good...) When I walked out of the theater after seeing its official sequel and follow up Quantum of Solace I was overcome with a chilly wave of disappointment. And after a second viewing I can't even say or remember why. Only slightly less bad-ass than Casino Royale, Quantum of Solace was a sacrificial lamb of sorts for the reinvention of the 007 series. It was nearly as vicious as its predecessor but it also extablished Quantum as the new SPECTRE. Sometimes you've got to take a step back before you can take a few steps forward but I think here that step backward was barely noticable.

3) Burn After Reading

After cleaning house at the Oscars for No Country For Old Men earlier in the year, the Coen Brothers managed to put behind the unfortunateness by which they were plagued throughout this decade. (The Man Who Wasn't There, Intolerable Cruelty, The Ladykillers) But it was Burn After Reading that proved that the Coens comeback wasn't a short-lived flash in the pan. With an impressive cast of George Clooney, Brad Pitt, John Malkovich, Frances McDormand and the ever charming Tilda Swinton among others, the Coens offered a tapestry of idiots and a slew of pant-pissing moments that demanded a second viewing from Burn After Reading. Because you were likely to be laughing through the following scene and oftentimes missed out on what was happening. Especially when Clooney's character unveiled his... uh, contraption to a pie-eyed McDormand.

2) The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I've gushed in a previous posting about The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. David Fincher's masterful direction, a brilliant script, impeccable performances and pretty much every aspect of exquisite filmmaking all vie for the spotlight. What happens instead is they all lovingly work together to create an epic tale of a man born elderly who ages backwards through the 20th century. For all of The Curious Case of Benjamin Button's genius it also has the ability to break your heart, make you thank it for doing so and make you a better person for it. At the risk of sounding like a pretentious Hollywood film industry schmuck who believes everything they say, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button is what filmmaking is all about. So much to the point where you don't mind being reminded of how Brad Pitt keeps getting better looking.

1) The Dark Knight

I'm incredibly tempted to write the word duh and leave it at that, but doing so would be entirely too easy. A movie as exceptional as The Dark Knight deserves far more of an explanation. There are many reasons as to why this movie is deserving of this less than prestigious spot at the top of my movies of 2008 list (aside from it being a Batman movie.) Could it be that with a little tinkering The Dark Knight could've been a great movie without having anything to do with Batman and his villains? How about Heath Ledger's exceptionally frightening and Oscar-winning turn as The Joker? Christopher Nolan's grimly appropriate direction? The fact that The Dark Knight being a sequel surpassed its forerunner Batman Begins in practically every way? Forget the fact that The Dark Knight is a great comic book movie, it's great movie period. And at risk of sounding like an elitist fanboy turd, it is official--anyone who didn't like or can't appreciate this movie is completely retarded. And you can quote me on that. I insist you quote me on that...

*Honorable Mention: The Spirit

Pillar of the comic book community Frank Miller found his directorial sea legs when he co-directed the screen adaptation of his Sin City graphic novels with Robert Rodriguez in 2005. Miller eventually captained his own ship he took on the big screen adaptation of Will Eisner's The Spirit. And if you've ever read one of Miller's graphic novels, comic books, what have you, then saw his adaptation of The Spirit you'll know that all Miller really did was make another comic book. Instead of a flat page, pencils, inks and occasionally colors he used actors, cameras, occasional colors and every trick he could pick up from Rodriguez. Admittedly, The Spirit does look a lot like Sin City but I like to think of it more as Sin City's caffeinated little brother with less impulse control. Not the greatest movie, but one worth mentioning...

Nice Ladies--Chapter Two: Rachel Weisz

Editorial comment: The Nice Ladies series of my blog has been renamed from Ladies of the Hour. Something about the title Ladies of the Hour never sat quite right with me. Maybe it made them sound like hookers or something, I don't know.

Nice Ladies makes me think of my old roommate Sean. Instead of saying a woman was hot, he'd say she's a nice lady. Better than I want to spend days violating her but not quite I'd sure like to meet her mother. Maybe she's a nice lady is better than I'd sure like to meet her mother. I mean after all, just because a woman is comely doesn't necessarily mean that meeting her mother is automatically going to be a pleasurable experience.

Onward...

Chapter Two: Rachel Weisz

Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?

I've been a Rachel Weisz fan since The Mummy. I've gotten to the point with that movie where I can't watch it with a straight face or without rolling my eyes but that's definitely not the case with Ms. Weisz. The next thing I saw her in that not only sticks in my mind and doesn't have anything to do with long-dead Egyptians was her role in the grossly underrated About a Boy. She played the love interest of Hugh Grant's emotionally damaged cad whose plan to pick up women backfires and even though Weisz didn't get too much of a chance to shine with Grant stealing the show, she was very enjoyable to look at.

Next up was her role in Neil LaBute's The Shape of Things in which she pitch-perfectly played the archetypal art school student whose final project was inspired in the same way that John Doe's plan in Seven was brilliant. Twisted, but magnificent. The next few years were peppered with other movies she's done which I really liked, but didn't exactly love the hell out of. Confidence, Constantine, The Constant Gardener (for which she won the Best Supporting Actress Oscar) to name a few.

Then I saw The Fountain. Directed by her baby daddy Darren Aronofsky, The Fountain was a head trip I've not seen the likes of since. It was a gorgeous movie that really hearkened back to 2001: A Space Odyssey. So much to the point where I had to go to Wikipedia just to confirm what the hell I thought happened. The Fountain was a sci-fi love story that spanned over a thousand years and three parallel stories. Not to mention a damn impressive movie and a Grade-A head fuck.

But it was my last trip to the movies that inspired me to write about Ms. Weisz. And that trip was to see The Brothers Bloom in which she played an eccentric heiress who was the mark of two con men brothers played by Adrien Brody and Mark Ruffalo. While the entire cast did a really bang-up job it was Weisz who stole the show with her lovely whackjob performance.

So why is Rachel Weisz a nice lady? She's British, she's foxy, she's not afraid to get naked in some of her movies (even when she's rather pregnant), she's a great actress, she's got great taste (she's with Aronofsky and not a professional athlete) and she's in great movies. Oh, and she's making a damn fine case for me to get over my fear of snakes.