Christmas Zombies (Thank You For Supporting Local Business)

I, either like or unlike the vast majority of people who celebrate Christmas am eagerly awaiting its passing. I'm not a Scrooge by any means (maybe a little) but like the current presidential administration I just want it over. I. Just. Want. It. Over.

Why so against the holidays, you may be asking. Or maybe you're not asking. I don't know. Let's start with Black Friday. Some poor bastard not that much older than I, working as holiday help at a Wal-Mart gets trampled to death because of bunch of IHOP monkeys thought they were going to save $100 on a laptop. A laptop from Wal-Mart, I'd like to add. Cut to the other end of the country where two sack wranglers decided to turn a Toys 'R Us into a wild west show and shoot each other. Rumors went around that it was gang related, but you're still at Toys 'R Us--a toy store. A children's toy store I'd also like to add.

Another home run for humanity. Go team.

I did make it out of the house on Black Friday, but only to go to work. I was at my part-time retail job at a local record store (that shall remain unnamed) at 8AM that day. We'd normally open at 10 on a Friday but with it being one of the bigger, if not biggest shopping day of the year, The Boys at the Main Office decreed 8AM it was and we were dead until about... wait for it... 10. There was a coupon in the paper and we didn't get anyone in except for the regulars who buy in volume--backwoods tree people with a penchant for obscure classic rock and savings of 20% off. Even throughout the rest of my shift it never got that busy. Just the occasional customer who comes in once or twice a year, usually around Christmas. And even then only on the way home. But I'm getting to that.

The store at which I work deals mainly in catalog items. Deluxe reissues of popular albums, vinyl, indie label catalogs, used CDs, jazz, blues, "world" music, hip hop that may or may not have been released this (or last) year, box sets, etc. Basically the stuff outside of the Top 40 realm that chain stores usually won't bother with. And because we're not a chain that will or can charge less than what the distributor charges (i.e. below cost) we have to charge more to make any money.

Let's break this down into real world every day terms. Let's say hypothetically that Best Buy is charging $11.99 for the new Fall Out Boy album. But the label, distributor or whoever charges them $13. They're losing money on that CD. But when they charge $1200 for a TV they pay the manufacturer $650 for they make that money back. These bigger stores' warehouse also buys thousands of the same item and oftentimes get a discount per unit. So ultimately they can afford to lose a buck or few on a CD. Presuming they lose anything at all. But I digress.

We've got 2 kinds of customers generally. The first one is more of a broad category. Let's call them customers in general--the ones we see for most of the year. We get the hardcore nerds who'll buy a Uriah Heep album of them farting for 48 minutes and any subsequent reissue or re-release they put out. Completists. These are also the guys who'll buy a $125 Gabriel-era Genesis box set with all the trimmings without thinking twice about it. Vinyl junkies, blues freaks, people afraid of the internet/online shopping in general, people who don't know how to bargain shop and loyalists are all our lifeblood. And as annoying as that Uriah Heep Guy is and as pretentious as that douchebag who bought the entire Bright Eyes catalog on vinyl is, Gahd bless them. As warped as their brains are, at least they have them.

The other kind of customers are the ones who strike out at the bigger stores. Most of the time these people are shopping for someone else. The mall doesn't have that Clapton album that was playing the first time they got laid so they stop into my place on the way home. The goofy kid at FYE can't name or find any band that didn't come out this decade so this category of customer will come to us. And they always tell us they've been all over looking for what we had and we got it!

So riddle me this. Let's say you've been driving all the hell over looking for a certain CD or DVD. And let's say just for a minute that you didn't really want to pay too much for it. And that's fine. So at what point did you decide to take the money you were hoping to save on said grail and spend it on gas? Huh, genius? And how many times are you going to go through this asinine little ritual of yours before you tell yourself, maybe I should stop at ****** ******* first?

These types of people I and my fellow employees deal with on any and all given shifts. They're just a fact of life, like it or not. But it's the 3rd group, the holiday group that put Armageddon on my Christmas list. The Christmas shoppers.

This category (and by this category I mean these retards) comes in only around Christmas. Maybe once, sometimes more than once. You can usually spot them because the more often than not come in with a drunken chicken scratch list their kids, but usually grandkids gave them. We're not a huge store and if you take a few seconds to look at the signs hanging from the ceiling tipping you off to where the pop/rock, used and DVD sections are then mix that with a small amount of common sense you (presuming you've got a working knowledge of the English alphabet) should be able to dig up what you're looking for.

But some people walk in with the list and hand it off to their personal shoppers. Personal shoppers meaning us. If you're in a rush that's one thing. But if you've gotten so lazy and dependent on others without being clinically diagnosed with some disease or disorder you're just lazy or seriously detached from reality. And these people will obviously get the assistance they need at the cost of being severely if not silently judged after they've cashed out.

Just think...! If you act enough like a self-important jackass you'll get judged by the staff of a locally-owned record store. They'll probably laugh about you as they blab on their phones on a smoke break! They may even gripe about you in the back room (perhaps on a special trip as they claim to go back there to look for what you want) because they just can't stand the sheer volume of your idiocy without leaving your presence for a couple minutes. Or better yet--you may end up as blog fodder!

Like the woman who came in 2 Saturdays ago. She was looking for Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! Now I watch this show with much enthusiasm and am in my own private hell whenever another rerun is on. But that's the subject of a whole other blog. Point is I know that only season 1 is currently out and season 2 comes out February 10th. Not that I'm counting down or anything. And I also know we didn't have a copy of season 1, the only season currently available. And I explained to her, clearly I'd like to think, that we can order the first season of this gem, but she'd have to wait a couple months for season 2. Not happening for this holiday season.

With me? Good.

So we ordered it, it showed up and we called her letting her know she could come pick it up. So she shows up and says (for the first time I'd like to add) that she wanted season 2. You remember, the one that isn't out yet. Apparently I left her under the impression, despite the fact that season 2 wouldn't be available until February that our warehouse could somehow time travel a few months ahead, grab a copy and make all her Christmas wishes come true. After this she said she'd be back in February. I hope she won't.

Let's do another one. Uriah Heep Guy (and he is in fact a real guy--although the word real is highly debatable) saw that a new Neil Young was out. New isn't exactly the word. The release itself is new, but the recording is 40 years old. It's called Sugar Mountain and it's a recording of a show from Neil Young's archives. Volume 3 if you're keeping score. So Uriah Heep Guy (lets call him UHG) asks about the Neil Young when I cashed him out. I told him what it was, but explained that we are and have been sold out of it as its a big seller. Trying to get more. UHG replies, is it over here? No, sadly it's not.

If you want a dollop of whipped cream on that sweetness pie, he went to cash out and was a couple bucks short. This isn't the first time he's done this. But every time this happens he always says he has to go get it out of his car. And every time I look out our front window I always see him ask his wife for more money. Sad thing is I wouldn't feel bad for him if he'd buy something decent. I know that UHG doesn't fall into my holiday shopper category but that didn't make me want to not heave the cash register at him.

And those are all I can think of right now. I'm getting weak just thinking about these people. And with us being a 3rd-string retail option it's only going to get worse. Our biggest shopping day isn't Black Friday but Christmas Eve. But in discussing these people with co-workers we've come to one conclusion--as the holiday season progresses in this, our retail setting, we're getting closer to not only making the Kool-Aid, but drinking it.

Bottoms up, kids...