Dear Jon,

"I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore. Just kidding..."

Dear Jon Gosselin,

I would like to start this (open) letter to you by stating that I've never raised my hand to a woman. As most men will admit, there was that one who almost got me to change this policy but at the end of the day I was a stronger pers--

Look. Your wife is a total bitch. No, she's not a bitch. She's a Grade-A cunt. I don't like the word and I don't really like using it, but I was driven to it. You are married to a cunt, Jon. But I'm sure you know this. Now I don't watch or even pretend to be interested in the show in which the two of you and your brood of 8 star, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and every time I did watch it I was bored to tears.

I don't know which of your kids is the sweet one, which is the evil one or which one is the dramatic one. I've got my own kid and in my opinion and I know this is going to sound coarse, but rarely, just sometimes I have enough trouble following my own kid let alone your entourage of ankle-biting beasts. Your family's show is boring to the point where I'd rather watch the 86 year-old janitor clean the senate floor on C-SPAN. Or flies fuck. Maybe both. You guys went to an amusement park and getting all 8 of your kids ready was a total production. Who gives a shit? I had dinner with some friends a few nights ago and getting all my ducks in a row so my daughter wouldn't have a meltdown at a shitball chain restaurant was a production. Granted, 8 is a higher number than 1, but that doesn't make it any more interesting. Cry me a fucking river already.

Fortunately, my wife doesn't make me watch the war crime that she and the TLC executives like to call a TV show so the whole thing's easy for me to forget.

But I do watch The Soup. And over the past weeks they've worked a clip of your nagging cow you (I hope reluctantly) call a wife emasculating you over things as simple as coupons and lambasting your sorry ass for minor and negligible commentary.

Now this isn't to say I'm letting you off the hook here completely, Jon. Did you cheat on her at some point, Jon? Did you hit her already and some dirtbag biker brother of hers teach you a lesson? Do you owe her old man money? Come on, man! I'm seriously running out of reasons to think of why you'd voluntarily do this other than you're being a complete and total pussy.

Look at that, man. You were there. You neglected one fucking word and she sliced your balls off on national television. P L E A S E tell me you're somehow playing on her apparent and abundant neuroses. Tell me you don't flush the toilet or that you rub your bare ass on her pillow when she's in the shower. Wash your balls with her special soap? Do you bust a nut into her shampoo? Tell me you do that and I'll tear this blog posting down right now and have a reserved space on my couch for that day when she finally pushes you over the edge and that dumb look you've got on your face when she demolishes you turns into a war face!

If you're not getting some secret revenge that you can smile upon when you're alone you need to thug up, son. Yes, she's probably tough because she pooped out 8 kids but she's nothing a few storeys, a minivan accident or a set of brass knuckles couldn't take down. Like my boy Jake says, you need to thug up son. I know you feel trapped because you've got not only 1 kid, but 8 kids. Divorces are pricy, but look at it this way, if she gets sole custody she's not going to have time to get her skanky crayola-head hairdos done anymore. She looks like ass now, imagine what ass she'd look like down the road. She's going to live in sweatpants. And imagine all the sympathy tail you'll get. Hell, you've probably got an army of barren milves ready to take care of you and the kids every other weekend. Then you're worried because both you and Broadzilla quit your jobs to do the show and its a whole co-dependent mess, blah, blah, blah. I get it, I get it. And as far as your kids not understanding? The first 4 seasons of your shitball show are out on DVD. I think they'll understand when they get older.

Look, you don't want to knock out one of her teeth for me, that's fine. But think of the kids...