The Jelly Donut List

"jelly-donut - 1 definition - When a guy jizzes on a woman's face and punches her in the nose. Then she smears the blood and cum with her hand...yummy."

-urbandictionary.com

I'd like to start off by stating, before any nasty and defensive comments roll in, that I in no way advocate violence against women. Unless said woman is trying to kill you or has a very good chance of kicking your ass, at which point it becomes a matter of survival. Even in those situations I believe its okay to to finish the fight as long as you weren't the one who started it.

As far as The Jelly Donut List goes, this is a list of those (generally) celebrities to whom I'd like to give a jelly donut. But said act would have to happen in a perfect world. Namely one where I'd have to deal with no consequences whatsoever (jail time, angry significant others, retribution in any way shape, lawsuits, etc.) and wouldn't be viewed as some kind of jerk. So yeah, this would be in some kind of a paradox world or said jelly donuts would have to be done behind the scenes. Namely in expensive hotel rooms with a staff of cleaners (like The Wolf in Pulp Fiction, not Jennifer Lopez in Maid in Manhattan) to sweep the incident(s) under the proverbial rug.

I think its also fair to mention that I have a nasty cold right now so I'm not at my optimal (and what I've been told from time to time as lovable) rage level. If I were to take on my entire Jelly Donut list at this point in time, many of the objects of my disdain would escape unharmed and go unnoticed. This list is a work-in-progress and may or may not be updated regularly. I also believe its worth noting that my contempt for those on this list my prevent me from carrying out the first part required to give a jelly donut. But the promise of the second requirement just might pull me through...

In no specific order:

Kate Gosselin -- Watch an episode of Jon and Kate Plus 8 and you'll see what I mean. Or watch an episode of The Soup. This professional baby machine plays the reality TV show game like a pro while simultaneously killing her poor bastard husband's soul. Just the mere rumor of him cheating on her gives me hope for this world. Over the several seasons of their incredibly boring show we've watched her widdle her husband down to a nub, reinvent herself as the tacky personification of everything that's wrong with this country and inspire millions of vasectomies worldwide. We get it. Having 8 kids is stressful. That's why the network that puts your show out take great strides to foot the bill for everything (including an army of child care professionals so you don't have to be near your kids when you're not filming) you do and keep the level of madness if your life to a minimum, yet you choose to be a bitch. As your show is about to hit the ground at record speeds and go up in smoke I can't say I'll miss you. But if I ever do I can take comfort in knowing you'll be hosting an infomercial that's just a channel change away...

Cameron Diaz -- She looks like the female version of The Joker, has a mouth that covers 3 country zip codes and she looks like a fish. She was cute for about 20 minutes in the mid-90s but now she just makes crappy movies and believes her own press when they tell her she's awesome. If given the choice to have the shit kicked out of me by Michael Clarke Duncan or watch Diaz eat, I'd have to go with the MCD treatment.

Tila Tequila -- She's had a couple seasons of a reality show in which she milks the whole cute bi-sexual girl thing to the point where cute girls who are actually and legitimately bi-sexual without a measure of novelty are or should be ashamed. On said show she had blank-eyed, fame-hungry contestants eat animal genitals to supposedly prove their love to her. Tequila is also an alleged singer and at one point had the most friends on Myspace. It would almost be worth enduring all this nonsense if she was hot, but she isn't. She looks like an aborted alien that wound up getting adopted by drag queens. Or a former sex slave. Take your pick. I heard she was bum-rushed the other day at a gas station by a group of guys with malicious intent. I'm not saying I was happy to hear about it, but I'm not saying I was unhappy to hear it either.

Paris Hilton -- Duh. She put out painfully boring and dreary raccoon-eyed night-vision porn, the kind where girls who think they're so hot just have to be there and do little else. Hilton also had a reality show to find a best friend. Personally I feel that I could've stopped at duh. She went to jail but got out early because she cried a lot and was on the verge of a supposed physical collapse or some shit. There are so many things wrong with Hilton. And when I say Hilton, I mean the concept of her as well as the actual... person. Probably the worst part about Hilton isn't her shitball reality shows, the fact that she gets paid obscene amounts of money just to show up at parties or even her incredibly anti-climactic porn. The worst part about her is that the rest of the world thinks she's the typical American and that we're like her. No wonder we're so hated...

Sandra Bullock -- She's never made a good movie. Ever. The closest thing to entertaining she's ever done was at the end of the overrated 2005 film Crash when she realized that her Hispanic maid was her best friend and told her this as she burst into tears. The Powers That Be keep letting her make movies, each one worse then the one before. For the June (or maybe July) issue of The BEAST I wrote that I'm pretty sure she won a mass bet with the heads of all the major film studios where she is allowed to make a never-ending series of heinous movies. I'm sticking with that theory.

Tyra Banks -- Possibly the most self-absorbed creature to walk the face of the planet, Banks has prominent roles in some of the worst TV shows currently on the air. If I were to dedicate more than a few random and passing moments thinking about her I'd have to question what I loathe more about her-- the said self-absorption (she gave Miley Cyrus a picture of herself for her birthday) or the way she'll periodically and oh so bravely let the world see her without make-up. Wow, Tyra. You really are a regular person. We all had you figured so wrong.

Rachael Ray -- With a voice that implies she goes through a carton of Chesterfields a day, her general obnoxiousness, paramount corniness, abysmal catchphrases and a frog face I don't know if there's anything Rachael Ray can do to nauseate me or make me hate her guts even more. And she once looked at a camera and asked her audience with a completely straight face if they'd love to have Celine Dion around everywhere they went. I would give Ray a jelly donut even if I was told it would kill me.

Nadya Suleman aka The Octomom -- Let's see, where do I begin? How about the fact that you had 6 kids before you decided to and ultimately made a deliberate effort to have 8 MORE KIDS? You've milked government disability programs for $167,000 before you even shit out your first child. You are human fucking cancer. I can't decide if I truly hate (and by hate I mean to dislike intensely or passionately, feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward and detest--just so we're clear, you fucking piece of shit) you (optimum... hatred... coming... back...) more because you're sure to be a draining leech on the taxpayers in your local community who will have to pay for your 14-part science experiment someday or because your parents in their rat trap 3-bedroom house in a California small town that not even the US Post Office recognizes declared bankruptcy with over a million dollars in liabilities for the reason which I'm pretty sure is your stank ass and your brood of ankle-biting beasts. Oh, and I'm sure your 67-year old father is going to have a blast going to work, dodging bullets in Iraq to support your fucking ass. Get it? Blast? And as for your 69-year old mother? I'm sure she won't mind taking care of your 14 kids while you shop them out for that reality show that's certainly coming down the pipeline. And of course 14 kids aren't going to drive a woman that age to the grave. The only thing better than my personally give you a jelly donut with the butt of an AK-47 would be to see you not get the reality show and see this whole fucking thing backfire in your Alanis Morrisette-looking face. I would rather see Jon and Kate be on the air until the day I die than see commercials for your freeloading ass on a weekly basis. You make every other woman on this list look like Audrey Hepburn and I hope they take your kids away. And I've never wished that on anyone.