Some months back I went off, on or about several female celebrities who I'd like to in certain terms give jelly donuts. (See the blog.) By and large, these women were and still are gaudy attention whores who, if there's any justice in this world, will be shoveling shit in hell. They're talentless skanks and I'd almost be willing to give my life if it meant sparing the rest of the world their particular brand of repugnance. But in that blog I said it was a work in progress and I'd be making additions to it at some point. But I didn't mention I'd be making subtractions or more to the point, retractions.
So which one of these classless swamp cows will enjoy one of the exceptionally rare occasions where I admit wrongdoing?
Ironically, it was the first one on my list--Kate Gosselin.
With each clip of Jon and Kate Plus 8 I saw on The Soup I hated this woman more and more. Her shrewish demeanor and eagerness to go after her given-up-on-life husband's nuts made me nearly go blind with rage every time I heard her name. Hell, I was even pulling for her poor bastard of a husband to get the fuck away from her.
But of course, you've got to be careful what you wish for. Or in my case, what you wouldn't mind seeing. Jon finally rallied the sack to break free of Broadzilla and at the time it seemed as if there was hope for the world.
Quick poll here: You're on a basic cable show with your 8 kids and a wife who emasculates you in front of a national audience on a weekly basis. Your pending divorce is announce through a slew of checkout line gossip rags and the cell door opens. What do you do? Go on a golf trip? Do some sightseeing? Take a mental health sabbatical? Go to Disneyworld?
No, you become a complete and total dipshit.
You start wearing Douchegear brand clothing, start smoking and get your ears pierced. But when displaying this level of winnerdom isn't enough, you start dipping into treasure trove of skanks that dwell in your hometown and bang them not only indiscriminately, but indiscreetly--all before the divorce papers are even drawn up. And just when you didn't think it was any more possible to make Kevin Federline look like George Hamilton you make Michael Lohan your unoffical hype man. You get some attention-scrounging barnacle blathering to E! about how he's trying to harangue and finagle some companies into getting you some weight loss deal. The highlight of this butt nugget's week is if his more famous daughter picks up the phone when he calls. And not because his daughter would actually talk to him, but because his press agent might actually pick up when he calls.
Stop the presses!!! Lindsay picked up!!!
To Kate I say, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry because you had to deal with that tumbling dickweed of a soon to be ex-husband for all those years. He looks like a doughy, fat snake with those fucked up eyes of his. You just want to fill in those fucked up little creases with silly putty or something and hope they don't look too bad. And I'm also sorry for all of this public muckraking you're currently going through which has your kids trapped in no man's land. (But then again, if you sign up to have a half-assed cable channel follow you around with an army of cameramen filming every little thing you do and millions of people watch every week, you've got to expect this kind of thing eventually.) I'm also sorry that Snake Face finds assclowndom (the same behavior which I'm presuming forced you to become a bitch on national TV in order to supress) to be synonymous with freedom and bother to think that all of your kids might catch wind of his activities and likely trigger years of therapy for them all. Times 8.
And yes, I'm sorry I said I wanted to give a jelly donut. I realize you're just a cheesy girl from the coin slot of Pennsylvania who wanted to get married and have lots of babies. I'd say I hope it was worth it, but being parent myself, I know that it was.
So which one of these classless swamp cows will enjoy one of the exceptionally rare occasions where I admit wrongdoing?
Ironically, it was the first one on my list--Kate Gosselin.
With each clip of Jon and Kate Plus 8 I saw on The Soup I hated this woman more and more. Her shrewish demeanor and eagerness to go after her given-up-on-life husband's nuts made me nearly go blind with rage every time I heard her name. Hell, I was even pulling for her poor bastard of a husband to get the fuck away from her.
But of course, you've got to be careful what you wish for. Or in my case, what you wouldn't mind seeing. Jon finally rallied the sack to break free of Broadzilla and at the time it seemed as if there was hope for the world.
Quick poll here: You're on a basic cable show with your 8 kids and a wife who emasculates you in front of a national audience on a weekly basis. Your pending divorce is announce through a slew of checkout line gossip rags and the cell door opens. What do you do? Go on a golf trip? Do some sightseeing? Take a mental health sabbatical? Go to Disneyworld?
No, you become a complete and total dipshit.
You start wearing Douchegear brand clothing, start smoking and get your ears pierced. But when displaying this level of winnerdom isn't enough, you start dipping into treasure trove of skanks that dwell in your hometown and bang them not only indiscriminately, but indiscreetly--all before the divorce papers are even drawn up. And just when you didn't think it was any more possible to make Kevin Federline look like George Hamilton you make Michael Lohan your unoffical hype man. You get some attention-scrounging barnacle blathering to E! about how he's trying to harangue and finagle some companies into getting you some weight loss deal. The highlight of this butt nugget's week is if his more famous daughter picks up the phone when he calls. And not because his daughter would actually talk to him, but because his press agent might actually pick up when he calls.
Stop the presses!!! Lindsay picked up!!!
To Kate I say, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry because you had to deal with that tumbling dickweed of a soon to be ex-husband for all those years. He looks like a doughy, fat snake with those fucked up eyes of his. You just want to fill in those fucked up little creases with silly putty or something and hope they don't look too bad. And I'm also sorry for all of this public muckraking you're currently going through which has your kids trapped in no man's land. (But then again, if you sign up to have a half-assed cable channel follow you around with an army of cameramen filming every little thing you do and millions of people watch every week, you've got to expect this kind of thing eventually.) I'm also sorry that Snake Face finds assclowndom (the same behavior which I'm presuming forced you to become a bitch on national TV in order to supress) to be synonymous with freedom and bother to think that all of your kids might catch wind of his activities and likely trigger years of therapy for them all. Times 8.
And yes, I'm sorry I said I wanted to give a jelly donut. I realize you're just a cheesy girl from the coin slot of Pennsylvania who wanted to get married and have lots of babies. I'd say I hope it was worth it, but being parent myself, I know that it was.
The guy gets out of a loveless marriage to an insanely narcissistic woman, and only them starts cheating, and Kate's the victim? The guy might have been a dick, but that new development in his personality seems to be a byproduct of fame and money. Kate seems to have been consistently emasculating. The only wrong you did sir, was to pick a side at all.
ReplyDeleteTrying to pick sides in that divorce is like trying to decide whether horse shit or dog shit tastes better.